Judge Itachi
by Insanity on Wheels
Summary: It's not Judge Hatchet or Judge Joe Brown. It's Judge Itachi here to send people to prison in his saneless Konoha courtroom.


A/N: Disclaimer: I am insane...so I can't own anything...except that jolly ol' idea for this fic!

Judge Itachi

Case 1: Stolen Applejacks

Itachi: (walks into the room, everyone standing up) Yeah, that's right assholes, stand before me! THE JUDGE! (cough, cough)

Everyone: (sits down)

Naruto: HEY! WAT UP ITACHI?

Itachi: SECURITY!

Orochimaru: (slaps Naruto with a sledge hammer)

Naruto: WELL FUCK YOU TOO POWDER!

Orochimaru: Oh no he didn't!

Itachi: SHUT THE HELL UP IN MY COURTROOM!

Naruto: TT BUT HE HIT ME!

Orochimaru: Annoying little fuck!

Kakashi: (comes in) Where's my lawyer? O-o; How am I supposed to be a defendant without a lawyer?

Itachi: NO LAWYER! GO TO JAIL BIATCH!

Jury: GUILTY!

Kakashi: BUT I DIDN'T STEAL THE APPLEJACKS!

Itachi: What the hell? Applejacks? What kind of bullshitty trial is this?

Gai: (bursts in) I AM SUING KAKASHI! FOR STEALING MY APPLEJACKS!

Itachi: OO This is my first case?

Authoress: YES! You have to start off small Itachi! (waves from the Jury)

Itachi: OH HELL NO! Why the hell did the narrator put the authoress in this courtroom?

Narrator: I AM THE DAMN AUTHORESS! (gives him the finger from the Jury)

Itachi: You may own the fic, but you don't own any of us here! Hence, my last sentence was an official disclaimer!

Authoress/Narrator: YAY! (sits down with the jury)

Itachi: (slams hand onto the table) BRING SASUKE HERE NOW! (snickers) I wanna see his face when I send him to prison!

Orochimaru: He's not in this case. It's only Gai versus Kakashi in the case of the stolen Applejacks.

Gai: TT them shitz taste like apple!

Kakashi: (reaches for something)

Itachi: SECURITY! HE'S TAKING OUT A GUN!

Kakashi: (gets tackled and drops his book)

Orochimaru: Itachi, he was only getting out a book to read.

Itachi: O.o my bad! (shrugs) Now where the hell are the lawyers?

Naruto: They're too scared to come in!

Itachi: Yes, and your face and dragon breath scared them away.

Naruto: OH FUCK YOU!

Itachi: The hell are you doing in my court anyway?

Naruto: I'm here to support Kakashi-sensei!

Kakashi: I don't know him! I don't know that child!

Naruto: Don't be like that sensei!

Itachi: He has all the right to! NOW GET THE HELL OUT!

Naruto: NO!

Itachi: SECURITY!

Orochimaru: O.o you again?

Authoress: May I mention that Orochimaru is modeling the newest, finest police uniforms in the academy?

Orochimaru: Is it silky?

Authoress: YOU TELL ME! You're the model!

Orochimaru: (gets starry-eyed) I'm a model! (walks around the court all model like)

Itachi: Stop that Orochimaru, that's just nasty! (laughs hysterically) No wait…you look nasty!

Gai: MY EYES! THEY BURN!

Kakashi: THE HORROR!

Sakura: WHERE'S MY SASUKE!

Itachi: Security!

Orochimaru: (football tackles Sakura)

Sakura: OO OW!

Naruto: (runs around streaking)

Itachi: (covers eyes) DAMNIT SECURITY! GET HIS ASS OUTTA HERE NOW!

Kakashi: I don't know that person!

Gai: UGH! That's even worse than the model!

Sakura: where's my Sasuke?

Itachi: SHUT THE HELL UP! IF I WANT SASUKE IN THIS ROOM, HE WILL BE HERE! (coughs)

Kakashi: Judge, you have anthrax!

Gai: OH MY GOD! (swan dives off the judge's desk)

Itachi: Oo wtf?

Orochimaru: oh my god! X-x

Kakashi: XD That's one dead body! Two to go!

Itachi: I know you're not talking about me right?

Kakashi: Oh no! (takes out a crossbow) Naruto of course!

Naruto: (running around streaking)

Kakashi: Just aim it right…

Orochimaru: 20 bucks if you get em in the head!

Itachi: NO! 50!

Sakura: A BENJAMIN!

Kakashi: (shoots Naruto in the head)

Naruto: OH SHIT! XX

Kakashi: Now? My money! PLEASE?

Itachi: O.o; no way, Sakura betted the 100!

Orochimaru: Pay up Sakura!

Sakura: TT But I don't have the money!

Rick James: Prostitution is the key!

All: OO EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Itachi: The hell did he come from?

Gai: (jumps back in the already broken window) I WANT MY APPLEJACKS!

Kakashi: (shoots Gai with the crossbow)

Gai: XX DAMNIT! (falls back out the window)

Itachi: O.O all this shit over applejacks? XP and who the hell is bringing in the evidence?

Some hot attorney chick: (walks in with a tape) I have the evidence your honor!

Itachi: Finally some recognition in this shithole!

Kakashi: O.o (gets a nosebleed)

Orochimaru: UGH! (throws a tissue at Kakashi) you perve!

Kakashi: What? O.o; I like pretty faces!

Orochimaru: Oh no, your eyes were lower than her face! I SAW YOU!

Hot blonde attorney chick: Just got implants!

Itachi: OO And I need to hear this shit because! Let's see the evidence!

Naruto: (rolls the tv in)

Itachi: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD YOU DUMBFUCK!

Naruto: I am? OO;

Orochimaru: He's such a dumbass he doesn't even know that he died! -

Itachi: HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN TO SOMEONE EVER?

Naruto: Dude…(tosses Itachi some Prozac)

Itachi: The fuck am I supposed to do with this? I'm not depressed! I'm pissed the hell off because this trial is nothing short of idiotic!

Orochimaru: Heh, I agree.

Hot blonde attorney chick in a miniskirt: (puts the tape on and drops her pen)

Kakashi: (stabs a little girl in the seat behind the chick and tosses her out the window) OOH! Front view seat! (takes out popcorn)

Orochimaru: TT I want popcorn!

Itachi: Well go get some later Oro!

Hot blonde attorney chick in a miniskirt: (bends over to get her pen up)

Kakashi, Gai & Jiraiya: (looking up the skirt)

Itachi: This is the fucking perv fest…

Orochimaru: Not really Itachi, Michael Jackson is showing up in here later on today. That'll be a scream for the kiddies… (insane laughter)

Itachi: OO omfg….

Sakura: (walks off with Rick James)

Jury: GUILTY!

Itachi: O.o who the hell is guilty now?

Jury: (points to Sakura) PROSITUTE!

Orochimaru: (football tackles Sakura) Prostitution is a felony!

Sakura: TT but we were going out for milkshakes!

Orochimaru: (handcuffs Sakura) LIES!

Itachi: LIES INDEED! Milkshakes huh? Eh, why don't you get me a strawberry milkshake float while you're at it?

Sakura: XX WTF is wrong with you judge?

Itachi: FUCK YOU! It's "Your Honor" TO YOU! Oro, take her away!

Orochimaru: (tosses Sakura in prison) The first to be arrested in our courtroom! a proud moment indeed!

Rick James: (vanishes into thin air)

Hot attorney chick in a miniskirt: (picks her pen up and turns around to glare at the pervs)

Kakashi: (points at Jiraiya and Gai) It was all them!

Gai: Nuh uh!

Jiraiya: oh shit! (jumps out the window and drives away in Batman's fast ass car)

Itachi: TT My poor courtroom! All organization is lost! Orochimaru, are we the only sane ones here?

Naruto: (puts the tape on)

On the tape…

Gai: (sitting and eating Applejacks) yummy yum yum yum!

Kakashi: (walks in) Hi Gai. How are you today? (walks over to Gai and the cereal)

Gai: (sneers and eats)

Kakashi: (reaches to his bowl, picks out one cereal piece, and eats it)

Gai: (points) YOU STOLE MY APPLEJACKS!

Tape Goes off…

Gai: TT and that's how it happened!

Itachi: If that isn't the gayest shit I've seen all day!

Dragqueen: (prances around the room)

Itachi: I take that back… --;

Orochimaru: Jury, how do you plead?

Jury: INNOCENT!

Kakashi: OH HELL YES! (does a little dance while singing MC Hammer) Can't touch this!

Itachi: Ooh, now there goes entertainment!

Gai: But what about my stolen AppleJack?

Hot blonde attorney chick in a miniskirt: (digs in her shirt pocket and gives Gai 1 Applejack) There you go! All better!

Gai: YAY! (runs off to get his bowl and runs back in, eating his AppleJacks merrily.)

Orochimaru: wow…all this drama over one damn applejack?

Itachi: That was my reaction.

Orochimaru: (kicks the dragqueen out the courtroom) NO ONE CALLED YOU!

Naruto: But I did! He's a better model than you Orochimaru!

Orochimaru: WHY YOU! (chokes Naruto)

Itachi: (hits the piece of wood with the hammer) This case is done and Kakashi is innocent of the theft he was convicted of.

Gai: Oh, so I keep my money too?

Itachi: Well, how much were you suing Kakashi for?

Gai: 5 BUCKS! OH YEAH!

Itachi: OO YOU DUMBFUCK! How the hell do you sue for 5 bucks?

Gai: (shrugs)

Kakashi: Gai! You said 1000 dollars earlier!

Gai: Well I lost so I changed my mind!

Orochimaru: Oh hell no Gai! The system doesn't work that way! You have to pay up or go to prison with Sakura!

Gai: (takes out his wallet) All I have is a few dust bunnies, a paperclip, 20 bucks, my bank card, which is Verizon may I tell you…

Itachi: IDIOT! Verizon isn't a bank!

Gai: XX It isn't?

Jury: NO!

Gai: shit… XoX oh well, I also have my Shop Rite card, my Pathmark Card, a membership for Jenny Craig, a coupon for Blockbuster…

Kakashi: Gimmie those and we're all good Gai!

Gai: HELL NO! Escpecially not my Jenny Craig membership!

Kakashi: (grins) Gai, the membership is all I want!

Gai: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Orochimaru: Gai, you have to!

Itachi: This should be interesting when I ask THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH A MEMBERSHIP FOR JENNY CRAIG? AND WHAT THE FUCK IS KAKASHI GONNA DO WITH THAT MEMBERSHIP?

Gai: I need to lose weight! I need to be in better shape for Rock Lee! (flashes a trademark smile) A teachers gotta be a good role model for their students!

Orochimaru: (wearing sunglasses and hands some to Itachi)

Gai: YES! My teeth are that bright!

Orochimaru: Yes Gai, your teeth are very bright…

Itachi: Oh yeah. They are bright…yellow! XD

Gai: (covers his mouth) WHY YOU…?

Itachi: Not my fault you don't brush em right!

Kakashi: The last time I saw Gai brush his teeth was what…3 months ago? And it was for a "special occasion"!

Gai: FUCK YOU TOO KAKASHI!

Kakashi: Now gimmie the coupon!

Gai: (shoves Kakashi the Blockbuster coupon, jumps out the window, and runs away)

Kakashi: SHIT! I said the wrong thing! I don't even go to Blockbuster! The hell am I gonna do with this?

Authoress: (snatches the coupon) I need it! (runs away laughing maniacally)

Kakashi: TT I've been robbed by the authoress…

Hot blonde attorney chick in a miniskirt: Well then Mr. Kakashi, are you suing the authoress?

Kakashi: TT (sniff sniff) I wish…

Itachi: Dude, it's illegal to sue the authoress. I mean, she's like my right hand man!

Orochimaru: She's a man?

Itachi: YES! (gets hit in the face with a brick)

Authoress: THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR CALLING ME A MAN!

Orochimaru: Oh no…he just meant that you lack lady-like qualities!

Authoress: XX And that's better how exactly?

Itachi: DAMMIT! MY NOSE! (throws the brick at Naruto's head)

Naruto: XP (is KO'ed)

Itachi: Can I apologize and you won't torture me then?

Authoress: I accept your fake ass apology, but the torture now…hm…

Itachi: (gulps) IT WAS MY BAD! I should not have said that!

Orochimaru: (shrugs) What's the worst she can do?

Authoress: Well ItachiXOrochimaru does sound interesting…

Both: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Itachi: I will not suddenly have hormones!

Orochimaru: OO That's just sick lady! Please don't do that!

Kakashi: Nah, it's all right with me!

Itachi and Orochimaru: (jump Kakashi and toss him out the window)

Kakashi: XX damn…

Naruto: I'M BACK!

Itachi, Orochimaru, & Authoress: (jump Naruto and toss him off the roof)

Orochimaru: Annoying kid!

Authoress: Nah, Itachi goes through enough torture trying to keep this place civilized! I'll just remain in the Jury!

Itachi: Fine by me! (mumbles) Bitch threatening me…

Authoress: WHAT WAS THAT?

Itachi: NOTHING!

Jiraiya: (magically is here again) WOW MAN! Itachi's been pussy whipped by the authoress!

Itachi: (GAPES IN HORROR!)

Orochimaru: OO That's just sick!

Sasuke: My brother's gay though!

Naruto: Gay and pussy whipped? HOW SO SASUKE?

Sasuke: (points to Itachi) YOU ARE THE WEAKEST LINK!

Itachi: Take this for size…SE-CUR-I-TY!

Naruto: wtf?

Itachi: I called "SECURITY" with syllables!

Sasuke: O.o;

Orochimaru: (tackles Naruto)

Naruto: XX

Sasuke: Phew, that would've been me if this moron wasn't standing in that spot.

Authoress: Sasuke, now you're getting annoying…

Sasuke: What you gonna do about it?

Authoress: (claps hands and calls in gay Sasuke fans)

Sasuke: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Fanguys: WE LOVE YOU SASUKE! (runs over to him)

Itachi: OO; the hell?

Orochimaru: I'm scared…(inches out the courtroom)

Random Fanguy: I WANT TO SUCK HIS COCK FIRST!

Itachi: OO WHOA! NOW TAKE THAT SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE! NOT IN MY FUCKING COURTROOM!

Orochimaru: TT I have no fanguys!

Naruto: You want some? O.o

Orochimaru: On second thought, maybe not…

Itachi: (gets a giant broom and sweeps out the fanguys) I GET TO TORTURE MY BRO! NO ONE ELSE!

Naruto: O.o So you're the one that wants to suck his…

Itachi: SHUT THE HELL UP! That's not what the hell I meant!

Naruto: Oh…

Orochimaru: I'm getting some retiring papers…this shit is too much!

Itachi: But then who's gonna take your place? O.o;

Orochimaru: Neji Hyuuga of course!

Itachi: O.o; why not have you both as security! (smirks evilly) Now Oro, you stay, I give you POPCORN!

Orochimaru: YAY! I'M STAYING! -

Itachi: Yes, love the Butterworks POPCORN!

Naruto: I like ramen!

Neji: (tackles Naruto)

Itachi: (laughs maniacally) Oro! READ MY NEXT CASE!

Orochimaru: Ahem, next case is….Whitney Houston V.S. Bobby Brown! It's a divorce case!

Itachi: How did I not see that one coming? O.o What else?

Orochimaru: Well, Sakura is suing you!

Itachi: me? Oh right, she's in prison because of me! And her ass is staying in there! XD

Neji: (evil laughter)

Orochimaru: Now…ahem…case after that is…wow…O.o

Itachi: What is it?

Orochimaru: Haku and Zabuza versus the Christian church down the street.

Itachi: O.o I went there yesterday during their service or whatever to shoot someone that owed me money, and I overheard them say that they don't allow gay marriage!

Neji: That's why they're suing!

Itachi: O.o; wow…

Orochimaru: O.o They're Christians?

Naruto: BUT CHRISTIANS ARE THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITES IN THE WORLD!

All: true…true…

Itachi: OO OMG! Naruto said something not only right…but we all agree on it!

Neji: (tackles Naruto)

Naruto: XX damn Hyuuga!

Neji: (snickers) Unlike my bud Orochimaru over here, he has the handcuffs, I have the nightsticks! So shut up if you know what's good for you!

Naruto: (shuts up)

Itachi: (looks at Neji) MY HERO!

Neji: All in a day's work!

Orochimaru: O.o shouldn't this chapter have ended already? I mean it is one case per chapter afterall…

Itachi: Erm….I dunno…ask the authoress…

Authoress: You rang?

Naruto: OMG! SHE SOUNDS JUST LIKE LURCH!

Neji: (tackles Naruto and beats him senselessly with a nightstick)

Naruto: T-T

Orochimaru: I need one of those…

Itachi: Use my hammer!

Neji: I have spares!

All: YAY!

Authoress: Just to let you know! Naruto's just some annoying twit so no one of the Christian religion should get offended! O.o; and if you do, remember that this is a fanfic…the hell would you get upset over something typed for?

Itachi: I know something typed that would upset you Authoress!

Authoress: what!

Itachi: NEJI! HAND HER THE PAPER!

Neji: (hands over a pink slip)

Authoress: OO NOT THE PINK SLIP! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

Itachi: YES! THE PINK SLIP!

Orochimaru: doesn't that mean that she's fired from her own fic?

Itachi: NO! Not that pink slip! This one is tulip scented!

Orochimaru: O.o wat for?

Neji: Oh it's just a slip saying that the Girl Scouts will be selling their cookies in this courtroom next trial. And they want her back as a Girl Scout too…and she has to…

Itachi: DA DA DUM! WEAR A SKIRT! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!

Authoress: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! TT

Rock Lee: (comes out in a miniskirt) I don't see what the problem is!

All: OO WTF?

Itachi: BOY! TAKE THAT THING OFF!

Rock Lee: ; NO!

Orochimaru: Don't make me use the handcuffs!

Rock Lee: O.o; FINE! USE EM!

Neji: (tackles Rock Lee)

Rock Lee: OO (skirt flies up)

Neji: OMG! (runs away and hides behind Itachi)

Itachi: O.o; did I miss something?

Neji: (cowers in fear) HE HAS NOTHING ON UNDERNEATH!

All: (GASP IN COMPLETE AND TOTAL HORROR)

Orochimaru: I'm not touching that!

Itachi: GET THE NIGHTSTICKS!

Neji: NO! They'll get contaminated…(takes out a meter stick) this is better!

Itachi: YAY! BEAT HIS ASS DOWN!

Rock Lee: O.o; the meter stick

Orochimaru: OO He's getting ideas! Put it away Neji!

Authoress: OO; The hell? Lee, isn't that Sailor Moon's skirt?

Rock Lee: NO! 

Itachi: YEAH IT IS!

Rock Lee: NO IT'S NOT!

Orochimaru: (gasps) IT'S JC PENNY!

Rock Lee: NO! TT (runs off sobbing) It's Burlington Coat Factory!

All: GASP!

Authoress: TT; that's enough insanity for one day! Let's all go out for doughnuts before the next case.

Orochimaru: YAY! WITH SPRINKLES!

Neji: I just want hot chocolate…

Itachi: Fucked up courtroom…


End file.
